From 25mg I have made it up to 100mg. The side effects have generally subsided, except for the dry mouth which is really annoying. I drink a lot of water these days. Today I feel sick again and my heart is beating too fast, but most likely that is because I drank far far far too much coffee.
I’m not sure whether I have experienced any improvements as far as OCD is concerned, although I suppose I’m not meant to until I reach the 150mg mark that I am aiming for. I don’t think the neuropsychiatrist told me and I doubt the GP would know. I could look it up but I won’t. I suppose I could say that the OCD has changed character to an extent. I have been compelled to tidy and organize more than I have in a long time, although I’m not sure that there is an associated obsession. There has been more washing of hands and some showering at odd hours of the morning due to not wanting to contaminate my bed. But it’s all good. These things are not making me suffer in the least.
I’m not suffering about much because, in fact, I feel extremely happy. I’m really happy with everything. I’m in awe of the world. I want to get paints out and make art in celebration. I don’t know if this is related to the medication. It might be some kind of odd placebo due to my knowledge of the fact that antidepressants can induce mania in people with bipolar disorder. There is no evidence that I have bipolar disorder. There is, however, plenty of evidence that I have OCD which has repeatedly been shown to make me think I have illnesses that I don’t actually have. So there again, it seems that clomipramine is not exactly working, and it also shows what an insidious thing OCD is.
However, regardless of the reason, I am happy. I’m excited. The world looks full of possibilities. Between volunteering and studying, my days are always interesting and I’m learning. People are nice. They’re cool. They’re interesting. There are so many books to read and I have a kindle and two library cards. My room is clean, tidy, and full of books and stuffed animals. I have a pet dog, complete with paws and a tail. What more could a person want? I hope this feeling lasts.
