Unfortunately, this blog has become “contaminated” which makes it difficult to write here. The contamination manifests itself in the feeling of something having gone sour and in my aversion to the thought of writing here. I suppose the simplest way to explain this is to say that the blog has acquired a lot of negative associations. I can’t say what they are exactly. I couldn’t list them. I think they all have to do with things I don’t like about myself being somehow made real and undeniable on here. I suppose I think that only if I come on here do the uncomfortable truths become true. If I stay away I can repress them.
This kind of negative-association contamination usually shows up in the fact that I don’t want to wear clothes that I wore on days when bad things happened. If I can pretend to justify it on some other grounds, I may well throw them out.
I suppose this isn’t the strong and inexplicable contamination that some OCD sufferers experience, but I think it’s part of the same phenomenon. There’s a part of it that makes some sense - the negative association - and the part which doesn’t - which is that sour taste that seems to come from outside of you. It provokes an unreasonable reaction. The drive to disassociate from whatever it is can be stronger than one’s sense of practicality and can get in the way of life.
I am currently fighting this sense of contamination by just going ahead and writing here. Hopefully I will continue to, and hopefully I’ll get back on track.
