I suppose this is a feeling that we all have from time to time. What should you do with it?
In my case, first off, I do know that there is something wrong with me: I have OCD. But my life’s work now seems to have become figuring out what else is wrong, because I have always suspected that there is something more. Things I think might be wrong with me include:
1) Some kind of physical disease
At times, this belief starts spiralling towards the completely irrational end of the spectrum, when I think I am imminently going to die from something horrendous and I end up crying in the doctor’s office. The rest of the time I suspect something more subtle. I imagine that I must have an as yet undiscovered thyroid condition or a systemic autoimmune condition. Everyday I look in the mirror at my blotchy skin or, as happens occasionally, my prominent bones and I think that only a sick person could look like that. I wonder how everyone can else look so healthy.
2) More mental disorders…
…of various types. I look back at, I reckon, three episodes of depression (only one of which I received diagnosis/treatment for) and wonder if this could indicate that I have bipolar disorder. I look at a few incidents of apparently disconnecting with reality and wonder if I might be predisposed towards psychosis. I also wonder if I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that might account for things like my lack of coordination and my (mostly perceived by me rather than by anyone else) inability to navigate social situations and my general feeling of social disconnection.
3) Being an evil person
I wonder if I’m actually not a nice at all and I just sometimes act as though I am. Do I care about other people enough? Is my apparent selflessness really just serving my own ego? Am I actually hugely egotistical? And so on.
I’m pretty much unable to tell how likely these things all are. What is more, I live in two realities as far as all of the above are concerned. On the one hand I believe I am physically indestructible and on the other I believe I am dying. I feel that I am emotionally super strong but also think that I have about ten mental disorders. And I think I am a sweet and kind person but I also think that I am a monster. I really don’t know how this compares to most people’s experiences of themselves. This could be a facet of the OCD mind where being troubled by the belief that there is something wrong with me is my obsession and trying to figure out exactly what it could be is my compulsion.
So back to my original question: what should you do with this?
What I have done in recent months is things like getting food intolerance tests and a referral to the clinical neuroscience department. I’m pretty sure that if this is all OCD-related then those were bad things to do as they are just contributing to the OCD cycle. And now, what am I to make of the fact that I do apparently have a long list of food intolerances?? I went in with no evidence of this to start with other than my general belief in the likelihood that “there is something wrong with me”. As yet, my clinical neuroscience appointment has not materialised, but when it does, how am I going to handle that and what can a conclusion offer me?
I think the truth is that, even if there are minor things wrong with me (and maybe even if there are major things wrong with me), the best thing I can do is act as though I’m perfectly healthy and good. In many ways, that is my best chance of making it all a reality, rather than discovering an exact problem and seeking a cure. However, I find it difficult to put wholeheartedly into action because for almost as long as I can remember I have believed that there is something wrong with me.