I was very surprised, considering how bad I have been feeling about my feared illness, that something else could come in on top of that and actually add to the bad feeling. Maybe it makes more sense to say that something has blocked out more of the glimmers of hope that remain in me.
I wrote that I hope my ex-boyfriend doesn’t read this, but maybe I don’t mind that much. I worry much more that feeling this way makes me a terrible person.
In short, it looks as though he got some really good news after a spate of bad news. I should be happy but I clearly have to work harder at that because what I feel is pain and jealousy. For some reason, when I see someone who used to care about me and no longer does doing well without me, I feel wounded. I told him I would be his friend and leave my ego at the door but now it seems my ego followed me in. I need to find a way to send it out again like a bad dog but it won’t listen. Ugh! Obviously I told him congratulations. I just have to hope that my emotions will soon follow suit so that it doesn’t have to be a lie.
I am tired of feeling bad about myself. The reality is I am not doing so badly but somehow my successes of late are not the kind that show up in a grade or a salary. They are unshareable successes and I need to get used to that.
