December 2011
9 posts
I hope he doesn't read this
I was very surprised, considering how bad I have been feeling about my feared illness, that something else could come in on top of that and actually add to the bad feeling. Maybe it makes more sense to say that something has blocked out more of the glimmers of hope that remain in me.
I wrote that I hope my ex-boyfriend doesn’t read this, but maybe I don’t mind that much. I worry much...
Illness
Someone I know has been diagnosed with the illness that is my very greatest fear. I feel tremendously sad.
I also feel terrified. I feel as though the illness is following me. I have spent so many months suffering so immensely over it and I was only just beginning to escape the clutches of my fears. I have cried about it, screamed about it, dreamt about it and now here it is, closer to me than it...
Books
I am reading two books at the moment: The Woman Who Thought Too Much: A Memoir by Joanne Limburg and The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks. Without having finished either, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I recommend both.
While The Woman Who Thought Too Much details Limburg’s struggles with OCD and The Center Cannot Hold is about Saks’...
Trying to do things
I’m trying to study but I can’t. I feel uninspired so I can’t see the point. Right now it’s more lethargy but I’m trying to stop myself tipping towards misery. I’ve been singing all day and the songs started out reasonably even keel but now they are getting sad. I’m even repeating the same phrases again and again like I’m stuck on them. I feel...
Out and about
Today, by my standards, was a social whirl. I had four social engagements. The freaky thing is that today they were easy. I always had something to say and I remembered what everyone told me. My social mind was firing in all cylinders. It still never came close to feeling natural, but I felt like a natural on the stage.
I drank this evening too but this time I managed not to get beyond tipsy....
moderation, The need for
I am aware that this is a common theme. In myself I see it repeated when it comes to eating, drinking, working and exercising. I’m sure it extends further but these are the most obvious. It is a common theme for many people I am sure, and I think it has a particular resonance for those with OCD spectrum disorders. I want to come back to it and discuss it more carefully.
Days on
I don’t want to speak too soon but at this point I feel almost okay. I think that alcohol definitely shows its depressant effects on me though. In the days after drinking a substantial quantity I feel despondent and all sorts of OCD symptoms bubble up. Is this a serotonin-related problem then?
I can’t decide whether it causes more problems to drink or not to. It is hard to fit in if...
The morning after
A hangover is worse when you are dealing with guilt. It’s a shame because I think last night was essentially a good night. But now just the idea of having been out of control is really making me upset. I don’t think it should feel so bad. It’s not as though I do it all the time. But I admit I get wilder than other people too. I have been trying to make ammends by doing household...
Drinking
I went to a house party tonight. I had fun but I think I went kind of insane. I danced like mad, I drank, I made out with a guy, I smoked… and now my OCD is spiking like crazy because I wonder what else I did. It’s as though the pleasure pain balance must be restored. There is a reason why I had quit. I remember rolling into church begging forgiveness.
